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Saturday, 1 August 2015

Sunday Sunday Medicine

On Sundays, Nigerian christians mandatorily attend one church service or the other. I know for a fact that there are those who no longer want to continue with this charade. I encourage you to be strong and to follow your gut instincts. You are no longer alone in this journey, and I will help you to actually stop attending church. There are a few basic rules to follow and I shall talk about the most important ones.
Before you enter any church building, you have to be mentally and emotionally prepared. Leaving the church is not easy, and second thoughts are normal. As soon as you enter the church, you will most likely be met by an usher. These ushers are very well trained and were not selected for their looks alone. They are very keen observers and can spot a 'j.j.c.' or newbie from a mile away. If you are visiting the church for the first time, be rest assured that a very lovely female will warmly welcome you and take you to your seat if you are male. Insist from the outset on picking out your own seat, preferably near an exit, and sit on the edge of the pew, or on the outermost chairs/seats. This is just so you can unobtrusively leave the service whenever you want to. If you do not get the seat you want, seat as near to the exit as possible. Always be firm and decisive. Show no weakness and no hesitation. After you have selected your seat, keenly observe every activity. Open your mind's eyes and use your brains and not your emotions; the heart does not think, the brain does. When the congregation enters the praise and worship mode, enjoy it if you like it, ignore it if u do not, but do not participate and do not let it affect your emotions and let it determine your actions especially with respect to the offering plate.
When the preacher starts talking, critically analyze every sentence. The sermons are usually obscure and verbose. They usually hide under the pretext that the divine is usually hard to understand and is usually only 'revealed' to their kind, or those whom god has chosen. There is nothing to understand. They can get away with almost anything they say because most christians have never read most of the bible. They are only familiar with popular and often used bible passages. Do not be distracted by the "amens", "hallelujahs", and other meaningless words that chosen members of the congregation will continually interject the pastor's preaching with.
When it is time for the offering, do not get up to go and give your 'offering'. Most churches do it in an orderly, row-by-row manner. When it gets to the turn of your row, your only movement should be to make way for those who want to pass by your seat on their way to go and 'dash' money to the pastor. If you have to stand up to do this, sit back down immediately. Do not hesitate, do not look at the usher. If the usher tries to get your attention, ignore her/him. If the usher comes to you, look her/him in the eye and state firmly that you will not be going to the front of the church to fatten the offering plate. Say it in such a manner that will not give any room for a response. Be dismissive if you have to. If the offering plate is passed to you, pass it along - do not look into it, do not hesitate, just pass it along to the next person. Keep your hard-earned money in your wallet and take it back home with you. When the pastor is giving blessings, observe the behaviours of those around you, but do not let it influence you. The reason you should keep a keen eye on their reactions is to observe that they are all behaving in a certain way which they usually interpret as "being in the spirit." Do not partake in any of those blessings. They're empty promises. They have no substance, no worth whatsoever. This pastor may actually believe what he/she is saying or this person's aim may just be to get into ur head and empty ur pockets. That is what all this is all about. It is a scam. It is all about the money, all about your money and what you can give. It is give, give, give. Do you ever think what they (the pastors) give? If a pastor tells you he/she sowed a seed, to whom was the money given? Some have claimed to have given something of great value such as a car or something they're emotionally attached to, for instance a watch their spouse gave to them on their wedding anniversary. Ask them who that car or that watch was given to. Ask them the questions everyone else is afraid to ask.
As soon as the church service is over, leave. You may socialize if you want to, but do your best to avoid any talk of the sermon. Keep conversations short and limited to one topic. Excuse yourself as soon as another topic is brought up and move on to someone else. Leave as soon as you have talked to everyone you know. Do not deliberately seek out any particular person.
While going to church may have the advantage of being an avenue to socialize, there are other healthier and more interactive ways to spend your one day of rest in the week. Sitting through a boring and lengthy sermon is certainly not my idea of a day of rest.